About a month and a half ago, I had made the decision to return to Egypt this summer with a team. The minute I said yes, my heart was heavy. There are very few times when I know the answer is "Yes." However, if the answer is "No," I know it. I knew this feeling. I knew I had said "yes" before really seeking God's face and His will.
I wrestled and struggled with the decision for quite some time. I spent time in prayer and reading Scripture. I talked through things with people that know and love Egypt. I discussed things with my Dad. I knew the answer I had to give and my heart was heavy.
You see, I desperately want to be there. I want to spend time with my friends that I really consider family. I wanted to sit in the prayer service and listen to the cries of their hearts in Arabic. I wanted to know how they were really doing in the midst of all that is happening in their country. I wanted to see their faces, to laugh with them to cry with them.
The common theme is: I wanted.
Knowing what I needed to do, I made the phone call I had dreaded for so long and told the church that I could not go and could not lead a team. (This was about 2 weeks ago.)
For the last three nights, my dreams have been filled with time in Egypt. I dreamed that I had lead a team and everything went well. I dreamed of time with the people I love so much. I dreamed of sharing a culture close to my heart with team members. I woke up this morning so confused. Why was He leading me not to go? How could this be the way He wants me to go?
Then I sat down to this:
The first verse I read this morning was Jeremiah 10:23: I know, O Lord, that a man's way is not in himself, Nor is it in a man who walks to direct his steps.
The cross references lead to me Proverbs 16:1: The plans of the heart belong to man, But the answer of the tongue is from the Lord. and Proverbs 20:24- Man's steps are ordained by the Lord, How then can man understand His way?
As I read these verses over and over (and over) again, I was reminded that I will not always (or ever) understand why God is leading me in a certain direction. I may not like the direction or want to follow but I must trust that His direction of my steps is better than any direction I could choose.
You see, it is about more than I wanted; it is about Him.
And I will lead where He follows.