Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I wanted...

About a month and a half ago, I had made the decision to return to Egypt this summer with a team. The minute I said yes, my heart was heavy. There are very few times when I know the answer is "Yes." However, if the answer is "No," I know it. I knew this feeling. I knew I had said "yes" before really seeking God's face and His will.

I wrestled and struggled with the decision for quite some time. I spent time in prayer and reading Scripture. I talked through things with people that know and love Egypt. I discussed things with my Dad. I knew the answer I had to give and my heart was heavy.

You see, I desperately want to be there. I want to spend time with my friends that I really consider family. I wanted to sit in the prayer service and listen to the cries of their hearts in Arabic. I wanted to know how they were really doing in the midst of all that is happening in their country. I wanted to see their faces, to laugh with them to cry with them.

The common theme is: I wanted.

Knowing what I needed to do, I made the phone call I had dreaded for so long and told the church that I could not go and could not lead a team. (This was about 2 weeks ago.)

For the last three nights, my dreams have been filled with time in Egypt. I dreamed that I had lead a team and everything went well. I dreamed of time with the people I love so much. I dreamed of sharing a culture close to my heart with team members. I woke up this morning so confused. Why was He leading me not to go? How could this be the way He wants me to go?

Then I sat down to this:

The first verse I read this morning was Jeremiah 10:23: I know, O Lord, that a man's way is not in himself, Nor is it in a man who walks to direct his steps.

The cross references lead to me Proverbs 16:1: The plans of the heart belong to man, But the answer of the tongue is from the Lord. and Proverbs 20:24- Man's steps are ordained by the Lord, How then can man understand His way?

As I read these verses over and over (and over) again, I was reminded that I will not always (or ever) understand why God is leading me in a certain direction. I may not like the direction or want to follow but I must trust that His direction of my steps is better than any direction I could choose.

You see, it is about more than I wanted; it is about Him.

And I will lead where He follows.

1 comment:

Pleasant Living said...

Do you know that you are in a huge minority group? Everyone will sing the songs about "wherever He leads, I'll go...", but when the rubber meets the road, they bail. Not you. You're His. His child. His princess. His follower. When you say, "Wherever He leads, I'll follow", not only do you mean you'll follow, but you mean you'll lay it all down, and follow with gusto. That's who you are, and it is beautiful! Can't wait to see where you'll be following next.

ALICT 2009

ALICT 2009
27 students... 24 nations... 3 months in South Africa

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